Creating Triumph out of Hardships (WEverb Day 9)

Photo source.

9. triumph [CREATE]: How were you challenged by a project or goal this year? What did you learn from it?

This year I have been focused mainly on rewriting my work in progress. It's my first "real" novel. I've always written novels (well, since elementary school), but this was the first (and only) one that I have sought publication for. 

Such a goal, I've found, requires an entirely different mindset in writing.

Before, I wrote for my pleasure, for catharsis. Now, I attempt to write for an audience. In the former, I wrote whatever I fancied. In the latter, I must think of plot, character development, word choice, flow, climaxes, resolutions... I can no longer please only myself, but must make the read satisfying to others as well.

So my goal this year was to finish editing my work in progress and seek representation for it.

In working towards this goal, I have been challenged on a daily basis. Every single time I think I am near completion on this novel, I realize how far I am from it. Part of that is the perfectionist in me, wanting a novel to be "perfect" and pleasing in every way, to every reader. But a much larger part of it is that I am still learning. I began my writing journey many years ago, but only got serious a few years ago. I may have some natural talent, but I also realize how much I can improve. There is so much left to learn, I know I will never know it all.

There have been days this year where I cannot bear to look at this novel because I am convinced I have failed in everything I want to accomplish. I have felt like I have too many threads, my characters aren't likable, I don't know my setting well enough, I cannot convey what I intend, I desperately overwrite a scene, I think the reader will miss the point and so I want to give it all away...

Every possible despairing thought about my novel, I think I've had in 2012.

Moments where I have doubted my writing ability and my chance at success, I've had in 2012.

Months where I am convinced no one but my husband will ever want to read it, I've had in 2012.

Days where I want to give up and get a real job, I've had in 2012.

But by sheer determination, stupidity, stubbornness, willfulness, and an itch to write I must scratch, I have plowed on. 

And, although I am not yet finished with my edits, I can see the end in sight. I have found tools to help me on my path, and I have found critique partners who offer valuable feedback.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I soldier on towards it, convinced that my goal is attainable, if only because I refuse to give up.

The Rose Among the Thorns (WEverb Day 5)

5. fellowship [HOPE]: What community has engaged you most this year and what did it you get out of your participation?

This year has been a year of significant growth for me as a writer. I credit this to the unprecedented feedback that I've received from the writing community at Writers' Village University. 

I've been a member of this group for just over a year now, but I was too timid to use the novel writing forums on the website and post my own novel in its entirety (chapter by chapter, that is, not all at once). But this fall, after a year's membership at WVU, I took a deep breath, and posted my first chapter.

Feedback was overall encouraging. And that was something that I think I needed at this point in my writing. Not to say that my posted chapter was perfect--it was far from it. But the feedback I received gave useful, informed suggestions, many of which I could use. And having multiple sets of eyes really does make a difference. I was stunned with what I missed by being so close to my writing.

Like most (if not all) writers, having someone read your work is both what you long for and what you fear the most. The idea that others won't be enchanted by your characters, or what you meant to express so eloquently came out as over-writing...or a million other of your biggest fears cross your mind the moment before you hit "submit." But you must get over that hurdle. Press the button, and give your writing over to fresh eyes.

Photo Source.

Then comes the waiting. Sometimes, you get your answer right away. And usually, it's not nearly as gushy as you want. But if you can bear to look, you find that there are roses among the thorns. And those rose are some of the most fragrant flowers you've ever smelled, because they offer you hope.

You see, interspersed with words that hurt, pointing out your flaws and shortcomings, are the other words. The words that stick with you longer than the prick of a thorn. These words are the sweet fragrance of flattery. 

I've realized this year, that although the thorns hurt and can draw blood, it's the fragrance I remember. It's the people who validate my writing, and in doing so, validate the fact that I can do this. They have become my cheerleaders, and I hope I'm theirs as well.

WEverb12 Day #4

While on Twitter the other day, I found a new challenge to embark upon for December: WEverb12. What this does is offer a verb (with a question) for each day of December that causes you to reflect upon 2012 and look forward to 2013. So without further ado, I'll begin on the day #4 prompt (because I missed the first three).

4. experiment [GROW]: What did you do in 2012 that you had never done before? Will you do it again?

2012 marked the year of my first ever writers' conference.

Over the weekend of 19-21 October, I flew out to Richmond, Virginia and joined a few hundred writers at the James River Writers' 10th Annual Conference.

I have to admit, I was both terrified and excited about attending this conference. I'd never been to any conference before, and I was signed up for two writers' workshops and a five-minute one-on-one pitch with an agent. Yikes!

It was terrifying. But mostly invigorating.

On Friday, I went to the workshops and put myself out there (terrifying) and met other writers (invigorating). On Saturday, I attended classes (invigorating) and a literary award luncheon (somewhat terrifying). On Sunday, I went to more classes (even more invigorating) and pitched my work-in-progress to a real, live agent (absolutely, 100% terrifying), who asked for my first fifty pages (totally 1000% invigorating).

I would do it again. In a heartbeat, I'd do it again.

The things I learned, the people I met...I'd do it a million times again.

In fact, I'm trying to find a writers' conference closer to me to attend in this coming year.

Coping With the Effects of NaNoWrIMo (Or Life After NaNoWriMo)

Let's face it, NaNoWriMo is a stressful time of the year. 

For most people, 50,000 words in 30 days is a nearly unattainable goal. I'm lucky in that I'm a fast typist, and I have the time to sit down and write when I want/need to. Which resulted in me increasing my goal to a more challenging 80,000 words in 30 days this year.I think every stressful period in life needs to be followed by an opportunity to unwind.

Let's look at some of the symptoms (physical, emotional and behavioral) of stress:

• headaches
• muscle tension
• fatigue
• anxiety
• restlessness
• lack of motivation and/or focus
• procrastination (the art of putting things off until later and/or ignoring the issue)
• evasion (or what I like to call filling up your time with other things to avoid that which is stressing you out)
• overeating or not eating
• doing nothing (e.g. vegging out in front of the T.V.)
• drinking, smoking, other drugs
• withdrawing from activities
• blowing up at others over inconsequential issues

This are just some of the effects that stress can have on your life.

I'll be the first to admit it--I felt the stress. I felt the fear as November 30th closed in and I still had 12,000 words to write in three days. This November's word count was a big goal for me, a personal best. I had to bring my A-game and blow away my previous record.

Although I felt the fear, I also felt inspired. I am a goal-oriented person, and I enjoy setting new personal bests. (When I go running and get a new PR for a 10K, there's nothing more encouraging than that for me.) So when I realized I was going to set a new PR, I became obsessed with "stalking" other NaNo-ers' word counts. *ashamed* But I found a buddy of mine who had written just over 92,000 words, and I became determined to beat them.

Thus, I was awake this year when November turned into December, and the NaNoWriMo website cut off my ability to enter my word count at 12:00:00 a.m., December first. Darn it! 

Regardless, I ended the month with 93,464 words. (It should have been 93,511, NaNo!)

Anyways, back to the stress of NaNo. After I entered my final word count (and tried and failed to update it one final time), I promptly turned off my computer and went to bed. I was exhausted. 30 days of madness can (and does) exhaust you.

So December first, I woke about seven hours later (because I can never, ever sleep in), promptly fired up my computer and stared at my NaNo novel with a blank look.

The pressure was gone. I had no words to write. I had no need to write the words. Where was my reward? Where was the purpose?

I still have a few scenes left to write. I wrote 93,511 words and I'm not done. Granted, some of those scenes will be tossed out on their ear, probably entirely, and a solid novel is at least 80,000 words, but I have several thousand words left to write, and NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY.

Conclusions always get me. I've never been good at ending a story. I want it to continue and want to write more meaningless scenes. But what I have left here on my NaNo novel is my conclusion. My climactic scene of...I DON'T KNOW.

I honestly don't know where to end this novel. I have an idea of what's going to happen, the protagonist will reconcile with her inner demons and outer antagonists, but I've no idea how. And I've no idea how to get to that point.

***

But this post's purpose is getting away from me as I cope with my stress of not knowing what to write by, that's right, procrastinating.

1. My #1 drug of choice for stress is, most definitely, procrastination.

Thus, you could have found me yesterday driving forty-five minutes away to go Christmas shopping, and promptly abandoning that idea when I realized everyone else in the world was also doing their Christmas shopping on the first Sunday in December.

So I reevaluated how I would spend my day, and while completing the final scenes of my NaNo novel was certainly in the back of my mind, I went on to my next coping tactic: evasion.

2. My #2 drug of choice is evasion.

Yes, I returned home...to clean and rearrange my living room.

Huh. Haven't done that in awhile. (So I could, legitimately, make an argument for its necessity...)

Essentially, it boils down to the fact that there was no NaNoing for me yesterday. (Well, I guess it's technically not NaNoing anymore, but simply writing.) I put aside my writing in order to clean house (actually, just one room).

And then, since I was that far into cleaning the house, I decided to catch up on the other tasks which had suffered in November due to NaNo, like the laundry and reading the mail...

***

Now these were just the two tactics I employed yesterday to avoid completing my NaNo novel. Throughout the month of November, the stress of NaNoWriMo attacked me in other ways. I was afflicted with two migraines, I had significant lack of motivation and/or focus (and spent way too much time on the Internet as a result), I procrastinated, I avoided NaNo by doing other things like walking the dogs or watching T.V., and I think I gained about three or four pounds this past month from obvious overeating and lack of exercise.

So now it's December.

And my NaNo novel is not completed, despite 93,464 words.

I think it's time for me to get in gear and apply some of the things I learned during NaNoWriMo 2012.

Namely, there is no time for writer's block.

So my point is this: stress can have its drawbacks, but stress like NaNoWriMo is a good type of stress. If you set a reasonable goal (for you, not for anyone else, keeping your own personal limitations in mind), then the pressure of having a deadline can be beneficial.

I'm at the point with my NaNo novel where I wish I'd set a higher goal for myself in November and pumped out those final scenes. At least then, I'd have something on the page. Now, I'm faced with combating my own inner demons and completing this novel on sheerly my own willpower.

I may have a lot of self-motivation when it comes to writing (because I love it), and I'll be darned if I let this novel get the best of me, but I also know myself. I know that if I leave this novel and start working on another, I'll get too distracted by that novel and think that I'll forget everything I want to do to that novel and put this novel aside for a looong time.

I don't want to place this novel to the side until it's ready to be rested in its entirety. And I can't do that until the final scenes are written, imperfect though they may be.

So no more procrastination. No more evasion.

NaNo 2012 taught me a few things, and it's time I apply those lessons to real life.

Final word count. That's right. Next year, 100,000 words in 30 days. Yikes.

12 Things I Learned During NaNoWriMo 2012

1. NaNo is not about quality, but quantity.

2. There's no time for writer's block.

3. Coffee only gets you so far.

4. Life WILL get in the way.

5. Setting reasonable goals makes progress seem attainable.

6. Turn off the Internet.

7. Do NOT delete a word. (Just strike thorough it, and it'll still be counted when you validate your novel on November 30th.)

8. Prepare ahead of time.

9. Write now, research later.

10. Do NOT allow yourself to go back and edit.

11. Take notes of changes or ideas that occur to you throughout the month. (You will forget them if you don't.)

12. Never, ever, give up. Even if you're 10,000 words behind on November 30th, a 10,000 day can happen!

NaNoWriMo Day #30

He likes to appear studious.

Every morning, I wake to a certain black cat (named Dante Alighieri) meowing at my bedroom door, acting like he's dying of hunger. When I can take the meows no longer, I climb out of bed, where two dogs are just as eager to get out as he is to get in.

So I take pity on the most pitiful of meowers and lead him downstairs where I feed him. He scarfs his food down like I've never, ever fed him before, and then shoves one of our other cats away from her bowl to steal her food because she's a slower eater and he thinks he's still hungry.

Well, this morning was no different. Except that for the first time ever, Dante ate so fast that he puked up his just-eaten breakfast back into his bowl.

But he was an adorable kitten.

With all the grace of a cat, he'd eaten it again before I could even move to clean it up. (Maybe I should have put a "disgusting" warning on this post.) He then polished off the last bites of his food and moved on to shove the other cat out of the way.

But I started thinking about this incident in light of today being the last day of NaNoWriMo 2012. And I suddenly realized--to my utter dismay--how my writing is so often like my cat's regurgitated breakfast.

I spend a week or a month thoroughly thinking through a project, hoarding all of my ideas and keeping them tight inside me, afraid to mention them even to myself. It's like I'm afraid to put things on paper and somehow commit myself to writing a novel that may be absolute swill.

Then, like my cat, when NaNo rolls around, I puke it all out in the space of 30 days and nights (it takes me a little longer to vomit, apparently).

If I were a cat, I'd be hiding under a box right now, too.
I'll just be hiding under my covers instead.

Like my cat, I immediately want to make it all disappear. But it's not because I find it appetizing, as I can only assume Dante did, but because it feels like some mistake I need to suck back inside me before I fully realize that I am, in fact, NOT a talented writer, and this novel IS rubbish.

So I got to thinking today (in the midst of trying to finish NaNo 2012 strong).

How often do I start a project with such exuberance that I puke up everything about it onto my computer and then immediately (sometimes before I've even finished) want to erase what I've written? How often do I think that 99% of what I've written is not worth the memory on my computer it takes to save it?

I've done this before. Began novels that started strong, and by halfway through the first draft, I realized that my plot was so full of holes, or I hadn't done enough research, that I abandoned it, certain I bit off more than I could chew. I rarely go back to those novels, embarrassed by their victory over me, and allowing my self-doubt to convince me that there was nothing there worth keeping anyways.

I like to call him my little panther...

Cringe-worthy writing, if written by me, I feel is never worth reading. And yet I know I should not feel that way. Because I know that when it comes down to it, there's always something in a piece of writing that could be worth keeping. Even if the grammar is unreadable, the plot full of holes and the characters cliche (case in point for at least two of those: NaNo novel 2011), there could be one sentence or one idea that is perfect. (Okay, maybe not perfect. Maybe just able to be perfected.)

So perhaps this coming year, 2013, I'll dust off one of those old manuscripts or half-manuscripts, and give it a second chance. Or at least a rejuvenated set of eyes.

NaNoWriMo Day #29

Dun dun dun!! 

No, that would not be machine-gun fire, but the sound of victory you hear.

For today, at about noon, I passed the 80K mark. 

That's right, I have completed my goal of pounding out 80,000 words, good or bad, this month. (Mostly bad.)

It's been a long, arduous war filled with at least twenty pots of coffee and probably around 66 hours of typing. The enemy came on strong with everything it could throw at me in November: Thanksgiving, migraines, house guests, sick dogs...

And it's for those reasons that I savor the joys of my victory. It's a powerful feeling to know that you've beaten the demons trying to keep you from your goals. To know that, despite the odds, you can do what you set your mind to. 

It's encouraging to know that I can meet goals which seem daunting. To know that when the tough days come along, I don't give up and surrender to my desire to just climb into bed and sleep until December first.

My NaNo novel may not be a polished draft, and it may never be worth publishing. But I do think there are paragraphs that have promise. Maybe there's just one sentence on one page that is a diamond in the rough. And I'll have to wade through three hundred pages just to find it.

I'm okay with that. Because I know that editing is where you really write a book. That's where threads get untangled, character arcs get properly aligned, gaping plot holes are filled, and sentences are polished.

So I'll be moving on soon from writing to editing. And we'll see if I still feel the same about my NaNo 2012 novel when I emerge from my editing foxhole in the spring.